They didn't tell me this was going to happen. Interrupted in the middle of this gig to listen to somebody whisper
in my ear something about a second plane crash and America is under attack. What am I supposed to do sitting here in
front of all of these children who believe I am the President of the U.S., I am that convincing as an actor? Should
I get up? Should I interrupt these second graders? Hmm. I guess I'll have to pick up the book now too, and
start looking like I am doing something as the President, cause I sure can't go into the adjacent room where they placed the
secure (fake, I'm sure) telephone line and make any phone calls. Not any that are going anywhere, anyhow.
I better just stay seated for as long as possible. Cause what I am thinking, if America is under attack, and I
am not the real President, what if one of those pool reporters in the back of the room get wind America is under attack and
one of them asks me whether I think we might be under a nuclear attack.
Is this just planes going into buildings? Somebody could ask me that. In fact, hey, two of them have cell
phones pressed to their ears. Well, hey, if they ask about a nuclear attack, I better mispronounce the word nuclear
as nuc-u-lar or they'll wonder if I'm a fake. That's what'll ruin this gig so I better stay seated until maybe somebody
taps me on the shoulder again and tells me what I should do.
I memorized a lot of the words he makes up as he goes along. Yep. I have him down pretty pat. I should write
a book, I've been studying Bush for how many months now for this gig. Since he was elected in 2000. Hey, I have
him down so pat I am even really thinking like him, or not thinking, like him.
I was shocked let me tell one day when I write how I was the President on September 11, 2001 and it was me, me, me at
the Emma Booker Elementary School - shocked I tell you - when the Secret Service approached me in Texas right after that Paul
Begalia said what he said on national TV.
The real President isn't George W. Bush.
I look so much like him that people were stopping me in the store and saying how I looked like the Governor when he was
Governor and now the President now that he's President and what did I think of the election and hanging chads, and well, it
was pretty much was non-stop after Bush was sworn into office.
The Secret Service popped into the store what was that date? We already had the said they'd have to enlist my services
for the good of my country. Did I have any acting experience? Hell no. Why would I? I'm just a clerk
in a video rental store.
Next 20 minutes
Yep. Here I am in this room. I'll just look like I'm doing some official stuff. No doodling, though
I'd love to right now - have to make this look like I'm signing an executive order for money for New York - that's what I
was told by what's his name - I can't remember his name. What was it? Well, what amount should I put down here
cause hey they didn't tell me if there was a third plane. There might be somebody said that. But they didn't explain
what I should do if I am in front of the audience and somebody shouts out that another plane crashed somewhere. What
if I am giving this speech they have written out for me that only takes one minute and there is panic in the room? What
if reporters start throwing out questions about news of a third plane crash? What should I do? What can I do?
What would he do?
OK. I'll stand up in this room. Look at that clock I just damn noticed what the hell time is it? It
can't be 10:30 already it's only 9:30 right - did an hour go by? did somebody lose track of the time? Did they
want me to stay here in this school building the rest of the day? Set up some kind of fake control operations or something.
They sure are asking a lot of an actor, aren't they. Oh, whew, it's only 9:30 and there's that tap. Time
to go. I went over this one-minute speech several times, and can't screw up even one word. That could still pass
the smell test cause nuclear isn't in here anywhere.